You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
