U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize
