he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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