I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
