This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
