It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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