I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
