You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Randomize
