My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
