fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
He felt like a one man threesome
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
So many bounce houses so little time
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
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