He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
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