i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Drake has all the answers
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
