I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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