I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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