Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
