there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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