i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
