dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
last night I used snow as a chaser
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
