She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
