i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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