There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
