Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
