worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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