After last night, I could never be a politician.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
