In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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