dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
