Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
