update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
I did not marry a roomba.
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