when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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