Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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