Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
She told me I should be a condom model.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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