I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
