Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
