My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
