Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I met the friendliest cop last night
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
