I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm passing your future prison.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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