god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
