i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
