I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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