Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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