census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
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