is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
