come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
