fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
where are my eyebrows?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
