Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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