i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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