Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I would fuck him just for his dog
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
