6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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