I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
These tits shall not be calmed
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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