U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
